Writing -- Baby Talk: Decisions, decisions....

The following article featured in a weekly column on parenting in the Women on Wednesday supplement of The Evening Echo, one of Ireland's leading regional daily newspapers. It appeared in the 13 October 2004 issue.

"What do you want for tea girls?" I knew it was a mistake as soon as the words left my mouth, but it was too late.

"I want rice," said a voice from the back seat.

"No, not rice, pasta," said another.

"Urghhhnggg!" said the baby, keen to get in on the act before the inevitable squabble between her older sisters ensued.

At first glance you might think that exposing children to the concept of choice at an early age is a good thing. After all, deciding between the specific merits of different options is an important part of everyday life. We all make countless decisions from the moment we wake up in the morning to the moment we fall asleep at night. It's an invaluable life-skill that children should learn as early as possible.

Faultless logic, perhaps… but it doesn't work like that with young children. If there was ever a sure-fire way of making our immediate future infinitely more difficult then offering a choice to the twins has to be it. They'll either both choose different options… which usually results in a fight, or they'll both choose the same option… which usually results in a fight. What's worse is that once things have calmed down a bit they spend the rest of the afternoon trying to convince us that their choice was somehow more valid than their sister's.

Easier, then, to declare martial law: to live in a mini-dictatorship, enforce parental rule and stifle that flame of youthful independence before it gets out of control. But that's not a runner either. Neither of us falls naturally into the role of dictator, and we aren't really keen on the idea of stifling their individuality either. We want to encourage them to question things rather than just accepting the status quo. Like most things in parenting it seems there is no easy answer.

Coping with the children's choices and the invariable fallout involved is only one side of this story. What about the myriad choices we all face as parents?

The decisions most of us make every day are, by and large, fairly mundane in terms of their overall impact on our lives and those of the people around us. We are confronted by the occasional life-changing decision, but we're not generally in the habit of making that kind of choice on a daily basis. Or are we?

When a baby arrives it signals an end to straightforward, mundane decisions. The tiniest thing takes on monumental significance as every choice you make suddenly impacts the wellbeing of this tiny person who's hijacked your life. You worry incessantly whether you're doing things the right way, and live with the constant nagging doubt that perhaps you're not. As the years pass and the baby turns into a toddler and then into a young child you get used to the constant self-doubting, even forget about it sometimes, but it never really goes away.

As the twins get older they're certainly not reticent about letting us know if they think we're getting things wrong - which is basically whenever our decision doesn't fit in with precisely what they want to do at that particular moment in time. We stand firm and weather the storm, of course. Giving in just to make life easier will only lead to more problems down the line.

So once a decision is made on the surface we're firm and unyielding, but hidden from view the twins' emphatic protestation has an effect. It rekindles that lurking self doubt, and you start to wonder again whether you're getting this parenting thing right.