Writing -- Baby Talk: Naughty or nice

The following article featured in a weekly column on parenting in the Women on Wednesday supplement of The Evening Echo, one of Ireland's leading regional daily newspapers. It appeared in the 22 December 2004 issue.

It was way past the twins' bedtime and they were playing up again. If they're in belligerent mood it can take hours to settle them down at night. We had a few friends around that evening and after the fourth visit to their bedroom to try and resolve their antics my patience was wearing thin.

That's when it happened. In a moment of weakness I played the Santa card. I told them that Santa knows when little girls are being bold and that he doesn't bring any presents to naughty children who don't go to sleep when they're supposed to. I hadn't planned to say it - it just sort of happened by accident. And just like that it was done.

We always maintained that we'd never use the spectre of Santa's disapproval to manipulate our children. And yet I'd gone and done just that- and the worst part was that I didn't feel guilty in the slightest.

It seemed to work too. After asking a few pointed questions about how Santa could possibly know how they were behaving from so far away, particularly when he was so busy with the Christmas orders, they went to sleep with a minimum of fuss. While it is certainly sneaky and underhanded, I'm sure it's a technique that we'll employ again, given how effective it was. I'm not a great believer in the concept of "the end justifies the means", but in this instance I'm completely sold on it.

For a few hours each evening we get to spend time together as adults. That time without the constant impingement of the children is vitally important: it recharges our batteries and means that we're better able to cope with their antics the following day. If using coercive tactics can help to preserve the sanctity of those few precious hours then so be it… I can live with the compromise.

All of this got me thinking about the inevitable compromises you make over the years. When you find out you're going to become a parent for the first time, in a fit of blissful ignorance you develop these highfaluting moral principles about bringing up your children. At the time you swear blind that these noble values are set in stone: nothing will make you waver on a single one of them. You convince yourself that you'll be able to stick to your guns, no matter what. And then the nippers arrive.

Before long you realise that you're exhausted and you don't have all the answers. One by one your precious commandments start to fall, eroded by the ceaseless tide of demands that young children place upon you. It's about day-to-day survival now, and anything that makes your life harder simply will not last.

When I look back at some of the standards we set for ourselves in the early days I have to laugh. Almost all of them have been compromised in some way over the last four years. It just goes to show that parenting is an organic and constantly evolving process that doesn't conform to strict rules - yours or anybody else's. You grow into parenting slowly, and you're always learning. No matter how much you think you know there are always surprises around the corner: surprises that could easily prompt you to compromise yet another of those early principals.

As for Santa, he's booked in as scheduled for Christmas Eve. On balance the girls have been pretty good, and while they probably won't get everything they've asked for I'm sure there'll be a few surprises in store for them come Christmas morning.