Writing -- Baby Talk: Terrible twos

The following article featured in a weekly column on parenting in the Women on Wednesday supplement of The Evening Echo, one of Ireland's leading regional daily newspapers. It appeared in the 22 September 2004 issue.

Impossible demands, shouting, temper tantrums, whingeing, wining, crying and screaming are all well documented symptoms of "the terrible twos" - bane of every parent's life. When the twins were young we were inundated with "helpful" advice from all sorts of people, but nobody mentioned the fact that "the terrible twos" is probably the biggest misnomer in parenting.

"The terrible twos" doesn't start at two at all. Symptoms begin around a baby's first birthday and continue through the toddler-years and beyond. This is much more than the one-year nightmare the name suggests: it's a three year marathon. The twins have been exhibiting classic symptoms since they turned one… and are still going strong!

Our little girl is showing early signs of being every bit as much of a demon as her big sisters were. She's happy and contented when everything's going her way… but try taking something off her or denying her access to where she wants to go and she erupts into a little volcano of screeching, limb-flailing indignation. Precursors of the epic tantrums we experienced with the twins are becoming a regular occurrence. Still, at least there's only one of her, so we'll be spared a repeat of the spectacular synchronised displays we endured with the twins in the aisle of the local supermarket.

The twins aren't beyond throwing tantrums of their own yet either, but as they've grown older the nature of their tantrums has changed. They're more aware of what they want now, and of how their actions affect people around them. Their tantrums have shifted from the explosive, uncontrolled outbursts of a year ago to become the more focussed, demanding protestations of today. Instead of writhing on the floor screaming like things possessed they now yell their demands at us directly until they realise they're getting nowhere fast. They then resort to an insistent whingeing that gnaws away at the edges of already frayed nerves. If anything I think I preferred their infantile outbursts.

While new parents are often filled with trepidation at the thought of facing the "terrible twos", with the twins three has been a much more difficult age - possibly because they are that much more aware and that much more independent. They try and exert control now and make inexpert attempts at manipulating us. It's infuriating, especially because, as everybody knows, you can't reason with three-year-olds. Other parents assure me that once they turn four a miraculous transformation will occur and they will listen to explanations and start bowing to the suddenly obvious wisdom of their parents… somehow I'm not convinced.

The girls' temper tantrums are becoming less regular and are definitely easier to handle as they get older, but their little sister is waiting in the wings ready to step in and take over. In the past I've described parenting as a journey, but the more I think about it the more convinced I am that it's more akin to an endless obstacle course. As soon as you surmount one challenge another looms ahead of you. Exhausted from your earlier efforts you somehow hit it head on and prevail, only to be presented with yet another hurdle, and so it continues ad-nauseam.

We have at least another two years of the "terrible twos" to contend with before putting that particular obstacle behind us. Parenting is perhaps the ultimate test of endurance, but unlike a regular obstacle course it also delivers immeasurable rewards along the way - something that makes all of the effort worthwhile.