Writing -- Baby Talk: It'll all come out in the wash

The following article featured in a weekly column on parenting in the Women on Wednesday supplement of The Evening Echo, one of Ireland's leading regional daily newspapers. It appeared in the 11 August 2004 issue.

"101 stains removed or your money back", "whiter than white", "kind to colours", "super", "ultra", "bio", "non-bio".... Welcome to the perplexing world of washing powders (liquids, tablets, etc.)!

Selecting a brand of washing powder is no simple task. I mean, how are you supposed to choose between them? The blurb on the box is no help, that's just marketing hype and bears no resemblance to the actual performance of the product. We keep changing ours in the vain hope of actually finding one that lives up to the hype and get the kid's clothes really clean.

Why, I ask myself, do the manufacturers insist on making such outrageous claims on the boxes - even giving a money-back guarantee - if they know that the product can't deliver? Because they know full well that consumers will never take them up on the offer, that's why. Would you traipse back to the supermarket with a half-used box of washing powder and a selection of stained linen to claim your refund…? I rest my case!

The sheer amount of washing powder we seem to get through in our house is scary. When you have young children trying to describe your laundry in terms of anything as trifling as a basket is futile: our washing comes in mountains. I'm lucky that I don't actually have to do any of it. Everything I've ever washed has ended up a horrible muddy-grey colour, so I've been banned from using our machine.

I can't understand it... I have no problem working a computer (most of the time); will navigate the Internet without a second thought; can hook up a TV, stereo and DVD player so the surround-sound works flawlessly…. I can even programme the video and end up taping the right show. So why does something as straightforward as a washing machine give me trouble? It's not rocket science: open door, throw in clothes (separating whites and coloureds), put in powder (liquid, tablets, etc.), select programme and turn on. How can a reasonably intelligent adult get that wrong? I maintain that it's one of those hard-coded male failings; some things seem to be conveniently beyond our comprehension!

No matter how much washing my long-suffering wife gets through the perpetual mountain in our utility room just keeps re-growing. Kids attract dirt like nothing else on earth, and it's a talent that reaches far beyond the confines of their own attire. It encompasses the house and everything in it. Furniture, bedding, cushion covers, towels, you name it: if they have access to it then it ends up in the wash sooner rather than later.

Kids also have an uncanny knack of getting their parents' clothes dirty. They grab at you with sticky fingers, or cuddle you with a snotty nose and another outfit heads for that burgeoning pile of washing. I don't know how many times I've been on my way out of the door when my wife has pointed out grubby handprints on my trousers or a shiny film of baby sniffles on my shoulder and I've had to change.

Meanwhile we keep searching for a washing powder that actually does what it says on the box. While that won't help to reduce the amount of washing we generate, at least our whites will be white, our colours bright, and the "101 stains" will be forever banished! Perhaps then conquering the washing mountain will seem a less daunting prospect.